Tonight I feel sad. Sad at the reality that it seems as though nothing in this life will be easy for my daughter. I suppose some would say that few things come easy, but for the majority of us, life is not a constant struggle.
Perhaps I'm viewing this from 29 year old eyes. Maybe most things at the age of 5 are hard work when you are constantly learning and discovering. Basically everything is new. But that said, I happen to know a lot of 5 year olds and it simply just doesn't seem to be as hard for them.
Believe me, I'm not comparing. I learned long ago never to do that with my kids. It began in my Mom's group when Mom's would be bragging about their kid's weight or how quickly their child learned to walk. I never felt the need to add another helping of insecurity to someone elses plate when I fully understood how constant of a struggle mothering is in the first place. I never wanted to be on the braggin' wagon. I still don't.
But as a parent, to watch your child struggle for the simplest things, is heart breaking. Whether it was watching her in the PICU fighting to recover from major heart surgery (twice). Or waiting and waiting for her to walk (it finally came at 15 months). Or struggling throughout her entire preschool career (the good days were few and far between). I've learned it never gets easier. In some ways I feel like I've just come to expect that it will be harder. Always.
Not to be a fatalist here. I do picture my daughter as a beautiful young woman in her 20's, not struggling. But at this age, when most things are new, and a new social situation pops up basically every other day, its a struggle. And it makes me sad. As a parent I find it so tempting to make it all so easy.
Never pull your fingers away when they toddle along.
Never take off the training wheels.
Never let them hear those painful first words of rejection.
It all seems like it could work right? But then I picture a grown woman, still holding onto my fingers, never getting off her tricycle, and not understanding the realities of this world.
Somehow I like to believe that perhaps all this hardship will account for something great one day. Maybe she will be more graceful. More loving. More compassionate. More giving. To be honest, I have no idea what this will all account to, and at times the cost simply doesn't seem worth it.
I am truly grateful for the people in our life who love our daughter and work to understand her struggles. Without them, this journey would be bleak and lonely. The days would be long and hard. That is one of the most starting Mom realizations; that not everyone loves and adores your child as much as you do. Let alone understands their struggles. Its sheer madness really, and you hope against hope they come to their senses.
I think it may just be a standard parent answer to say that easy doesn't exist, so maybe I'm fooling myself, but some days, I just wish it wasn't so hard.
"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard" ~ Coldplay
Perhaps I'm viewing this from 29 year old eyes. Maybe most things at the age of 5 are hard work when you are constantly learning and discovering. Basically everything is new. But that said, I happen to know a lot of 5 year olds and it simply just doesn't seem to be as hard for them.
Believe me, I'm not comparing. I learned long ago never to do that with my kids. It began in my Mom's group when Mom's would be bragging about their kid's weight or how quickly their child learned to walk. I never felt the need to add another helping of insecurity to someone elses plate when I fully understood how constant of a struggle mothering is in the first place. I never wanted to be on the braggin' wagon. I still don't.
But as a parent, to watch your child struggle for the simplest things, is heart breaking. Whether it was watching her in the PICU fighting to recover from major heart surgery (twice). Or waiting and waiting for her to walk (it finally came at 15 months). Or struggling throughout her entire preschool career (the good days were few and far between). I've learned it never gets easier. In some ways I feel like I've just come to expect that it will be harder. Always.
Not to be a fatalist here. I do picture my daughter as a beautiful young woman in her 20's, not struggling. But at this age, when most things are new, and a new social situation pops up basically every other day, its a struggle. And it makes me sad. As a parent I find it so tempting to make it all so easy.
Never pull your fingers away when they toddle along.
Never take off the training wheels.
Never let them hear those painful first words of rejection.
It all seems like it could work right? But then I picture a grown woman, still holding onto my fingers, never getting off her tricycle, and not understanding the realities of this world.
Somehow I like to believe that perhaps all this hardship will account for something great one day. Maybe she will be more graceful. More loving. More compassionate. More giving. To be honest, I have no idea what this will all account to, and at times the cost simply doesn't seem worth it.
I am truly grateful for the people in our life who love our daughter and work to understand her struggles. Without them, this journey would be bleak and lonely. The days would be long and hard. That is one of the most starting Mom realizations; that not everyone loves and adores your child as much as you do. Let alone understands their struggles. Its sheer madness really, and you hope against hope they come to their senses.
I think it may just be a standard parent answer to say that easy doesn't exist, so maybe I'm fooling myself, but some days, I just wish it wasn't so hard.
"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard" ~ Coldplay
Hey, how are you today? Are you still feeling really burdened and sad?
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking in. Yeah, its just been a tough week as a Mom. Some weeks are easier than others.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear it :(
ReplyDeleteTough weeks as a mom are tough. Sorry to hear this! Sending hugs to you and beautiful Abbi!
ReplyDelete